I have had this blog for a long time, and been sporadic (at best) with posting on it. Part of it lies in the notion that what I say doesn’t matter (that’s a whole other bag of worms to dig into), part of it lies in the *unproven* notion that blogs are unimportant and obsolete. There is a rather loud voice that continues to scream “what’s the point” anytime I think about it. But mostly, the reason I don’t post very often (because I still write the things down, for myself, I just don’t share anything), I think, is because I am uncomfortable with the idea of being perceived.
If you aren’t sure what I mean, it is a deeply uncomfortable feeling that people will see me, really see me. Not just my physical presence (although that is uncomfortable as well and likely part of the reason I like to hide as much of myself behind clothing as I can), it is someone seeing me for who I am, just as myself. Seeing the truth of my thoughts, ideas, dreams, opinions, any of it. That is absolutely nauseating. It is why I keep anything that is truly important to me as deep of a secret as I can. There are very few who know even one of these deep (not very dark) secrets, and they have been carefully chosen based on the fact that they have exhibited they can be trusted. Unfortunately, I have learned that very few people are trustworthy, even the most well-intentioned ones.
But the most nauseating idea of any of it, is not strangers perceiving me. It’s the people “closest” to me. The ones who think they know me but really, they only know the version that they want to know. That they made clear is okay for them to know. My entire life, any time someone has made fun of an idea, told me something I wanted was wrong or impossible, told me I wasn’t good at something that I loved, I believed them.
Or at least, my outward persona believed them. Inside, I still let myself dream, but there was always a voice regurgitating the nonsense that someone espoused to me when I was a child. It has taken me a long time and a lot of unlearning to understand that other people’s perceptions of us don’t matter. That what matters is how we perceive ourselves. Usually, when a person tells us to do this or not do that, or that we are good at this not that, it is not about us, it is a reflection of themselves and their own values and beliefs. That’s hard to remember when you’re ten.
The problem with shielding yourself from being truly perceived (not the version that shows up at dinner or posts a photo on Instagram) is that you never let yourself truly live the way you want to. You hide in the shadows, not making waves because people will see you. You keep your dreams to yourself rather than speaking them out loud because what if someone judges you for them. What if someone tells you that they are stupid? Or worse, what if they want to help and it turns out you actually suck.
Where it leads is down the wrong path. Down a path that people have laid for you through a haunted forest that never ends. Everything is uncomfortable and tense and you lose yourself. The worst part is that you let yourself get lost along the way because that is easier than turning around and trying to find your way out. Or, at least, that feels easier when in reality, continuing down a path that is not meant for you is the hardest thing you can possibly do.
I have done a lot of things that I don’t care about in my life just to appear as a certain kind of person to the people around me. I did a business degree which I do not value at all (if you could sell university degrees to someone else I would in a heartbeat). I told people I was going to be a lawyer during those four years because it sounded like something I should do. I never wanted to be a lawyer but I also had no idea what I wanted to do because I had been hiding for years and had disconnected myself from anything that brought me joy that was not considered “practical” or “socially acceptable”.
I became so imperceptible that I actually stopped being able to perceive myself. I couldn’t tell you who I am or what I am like or what brings me joy. I had relied so much on other people’s perceptions of me, it had worked, no one saw me, not really.
The problem is, there is a lot of pain that comes with hiding yourself away. With being afraid of letting the mask drop and other people getting a glimpse of what lies beneath. You don’t get to live the life you dream of in your head. You don’t get to do the things that you love openly for fear of other people seeing or judging you. You become constantly exhausted being around other people and pretending to be something else to make them more comfortable. But no matter what you do, be yourself or be the person you pretend to be, you are uncomfortable.
There are always going to be people that you make uncomfortable. There are always going to be people who think small and try to keep you small with them. There are always going to be people that don’t understand you or place their own judgements upon you. And it seems easy to hide and stay small so that they can’t see the real you. Maybe they don’t deserve to see the real you, but you do. You deserve to live as your truest, most authentic self, doing whatever it is that makes you happy and fulfilled. And I bet if you let other people see the real you, you’ll blind them with your incandescence and their ability to perceive you won’t matter anyways.
P.S. 